i'm coasting down hills not forcing myself to pedal. i'm letting things that are not mine crumble & burn around me & walking away unscathed. i'm stepping out of lessons meant for others & letting them live through them. i'm hacking trails in sweaty, unknown jungles. i'm taking off my hero mask. i'm putting down my therapist notepad. i'm letting myself be the person no one will look for answers from. why? because sometimes it's not Quan Yin, sometimes it's Kali. And that's positive too. We just aren't taught to embrace it.
Monday, September 2, 2013
After 2 years of intentionally not practicing, I'm going back to yoga this week. Why would anyone not practice? Especially a yoga teacher?? Especially on purpose?? Well here's a thing that happened to me. I got into yoga in the first place as a rehabilitative tool to help me get through a big-time illness that had me bed-ridden for three months when I was 22. I found a fantastic teacher when I was 25 who encouraged me to go to Kripalu. After my YTT at Kripalu I didn't teach but I kept up my practice and I created a beautiful life for myself in the USA. Coming back to Canada, I launched immediately into teaching without a support system in place, without a sense of groundedness or identity in a new place, without a community. What happened is that I burned out. The position of being a container for other people's experience when I was totally adrift became too dischordant for me. I had an experience of teaching a class & doing sivasana with my students where i ended up crying silently while trying to remain composed for them. I got yoga-ed out. Now it is possible that if I had just returned to my own practice, I could have approached my "stuff" from a yogic perspective in a yogic way but one of the reasons I moved back here was to pursue training with a shaman & that is the route that I chose. Fast forward to now & this is the first time I have felt courageous enough to take it back to the mat. So this week, I'm going back to my own practice. I am starting to feel called to teach again, but these small moments of breath & asana are where it has to all begin.